Uneasy Waters Ahead

I don't know if this is funny or not, but I've gotten into Ficly, under Jason Month at
http://ficly.com/authors/fun_but_rambling
I figure that I'll 'publish' something eventually.

This weekend I broke my habit and I'm regretting it. Yesterday, Saturday, is the day I reserve for doing incidentals like tidying up, doing laundry, checking accounts and the like. But there was ASME stuffis yesterday, so instead I tried to get work done. But I need that break from the work week, otherwise I get tired, and listless, and above all depressed about how much I think I have to do. Imagine this last week colored a comfortably warm shade of red. I was on the ball. This next week, imagine a shade of rolling grey-blue. It feels like when you've taken off your jacket, but the room is just slightly too cold, so you've gotten cold, but not cold enough to notice, or take the effort to put your jacket on. So your arms feel chilled and lifeless. I'mona put my jacket on because that's more reality than fiction.

Anywhoo, I'm convinced it's all in my head, because I really don't have that much more due than normal, and it's all entirely manageable. Like today. I FEEL like I have everything to do, and haven't gotten much done, but when I look at my list, it tells me I really don't have that much to do (though I've still gotten less of it done than I should). At anywhoo. I'm just worried I guess. And incoherant. That too. But that's normal.

I've been plagued with two feelings lately. The feeling that I should be working, because I've got a lot to do and not enough time to do it, and the feeling that if I'm not working, I should be doing my hobbies. Problem is, feeling like I've got a lot to do makes me tired, so I don't want to work at work, and I don't want to work at play either. And lately, my hobbies have leaned away from those nice mindless things like e-comics or TV or movies. I've reciently gotten through all my e-comics, and I don't want to start up again on my list so soon, and I don't really find movies or TV all that enjoyable right now. So I'm left with my hobbies, and although I'm really proud that I've filled my spare time with such constructive things, they're all such hard work, and my mood demands something relaxing and brainless. So I don't do anything, which makes me bored, which makes me listless, which makes me think of all the work I need to do.

Anywhoo. I'mona muddle though it like a scout muddles through mud (while it's raining and his shoes are soaked). I've got alot of cold and wet imagery right now... I was trying to write a Ficly story earlier, and that's all that I came up with. Weird. It's sadly not as cold and dreary as I'd like it. We've had, like, two days of decently rainy weather. Anywhoo cole's packing up so so shall I

Engineering 120

So this morning, just like every Thursday morning, I woke up at 7, with the knowledge that I had to be up and moving in time to get to my CompS 121 lab at 8. I decide to sleep in till 7:20. It takes me 20 minutes to get my teeth brushed and my personal effects in order. It takes me ten minutes to make sure I've got everything I need for today in my backpack. I'm out the building by 7:55. On the way down, knowing it would make me late, I decide that I'll get breakfast before going to a several hour long lab in which I really won't be doing all that much of anything. By the time I'm out the building, I decide to just skip my useless Econ 102 class instead, and get breakfast then, so I begin to trudge down to the ME/EE building where my lab is. At about 7:58 I arrive at the classroom, full of computers, and vacant of any students or teachers. Then, just like every Thursday morning, I remember that my CompS 121 lab is on Friday, rather than Thursday, and I leave to get breakfast.

I really hate Engineering 120 right now. This is a very sad thing, because it's not a bad class, it's the group I've been paired with. They are both frat-boys, who wear colorful and ugly clothing, and talk about girls. I know it shines them in a worse light than perhaps they deserve, but every time I think of them, I remember one of their conversations that I overheard as they unenthusiastically worked on that day's assignment (consequently shutting out the one guy who actually WOULD enjoy the assignment). They were talking about some girl, presumably of loose morals, that they both knew. Apparently neither had seen anything of this girl since she got pregnant from some guy. Apparently it ruined her hotness...

But I digress. I really hate this group, because these two are unenthusiastic and hard to work with, because they practically shut me out. I'm mentioning this in my blog post today, because I have Engr 120 later today, there is a project document based on today's lesson due this Sunday, and if the last document assignment is any indication, they will wait until the last day to get the document done, and they will both do a crappy job. Last time, I had borked up my homework enough so I didn't have enough time to fix the document before turning it in. Today, I am going to suggest that they let me take care of the document, though I really don't suspect this will meet a good reaction. Either they will be against the idea because A) I almost messed everything up last time or B) they won't like that I don't trust them, OR they will be for the idea because they're completely unenthusiastic about the whole project. This last option, although superficially good for me, is equally as disheartening, because this is the "robotics" assignment, and I've been stuck with two fools willing to make only the minimal effort, who cannot for the life of them follow a development procedure that would make a complete document possible. Now, I'm afraid I don't have COMPLETE right to complain, because I haven't brought up these complaints with them, and I'm certain if they read this blog that'd be their first defense. HOWEVER, the way these two have managed to shut me out denys the ability to make any complaint, and suggests the possibility of an extremely negative reaction to anything that requires more than the minimal effort. I know this because I've TRIED to wedge myself into the assignment to no avail. I've TIRED to contribute. I really hate this group. That is not to say they are bad partners. In fact, they work very well together, because they are both very friendly to each other, and I'm sure were their third partner of a similar disposition as themselves, they would heartily welcome him or her into their circle of self perpetuating boredom and listlessness*.

The thought comes to mind that they probably see me as exactly the kind of person to keep my opinions to myself and complain about it on my blog. Who am I to disagree?

Furthermore, I'm unenthusiastic about the class myself. Now, that doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself. I don't consider it a rip-roaring time, but performing a proper procedure (say that ten times fast) has its appeal. However, Cole warned me that this class would be simplistic (like middle school level) and poorly defined, and he was completely correct. The teacher gives us a one or two page assignment outline with everything he wants covered in our document, and then presents a powerpoint that suggests a class assignment that contradicts this assignment. I wanted to work on what I thought was the first part of our document before class, so I could get as much done as possible on my own time, but now I'm unsure of what the teacher even wants. So instead I'll wait to talk to him before class, then suffer through a horribly botched experiment and development process, only to finish class by suggesting that "maybe I could do the document myself because (let's face it) you guy's are hacks."

Fun times.

*I almost said disenchantment here, but I decided to change it because DISenchantment implies they were at some point enthusiastic, and I do not believe this is the case. Dave is disenchanted because he had expectations. I think they expected to be bored out of their mind, and so they are.

Four Sixteen and all is well in the swamp.

So apparently, despite the fact that it IS possible to create a "controller" type wizard, there are NO situations in which one is useful.

Nothing much to report today. I'm getting better. Gotten over that chunk of horrible that built up when I spent last weekend entirely focused on spending time with friends, and I don't think I came out of it too horribly scarred. Things are looking pretty good again, but I've gotta keep the ASME in mind when I make plans for the future, because I've still got a lot of potential plans for that.

Speaking of the ASME, why don't I FINALLY explain what they are and why they're fun. The ASME is actually an engineering group called the American Society of Mechanical Engineers, and the WSU group here participates in three different competitions, hosted by the ASME. First is the Student Design Competition, which is what I'm mostly a part of right now. This competition changes each year (a lot like FIRST), only instead of being really clear and heavy on rules when the competition comes out, they give you a three page PDF and tell you to keep constant tabs on the FAQ for more clarity (completely unlike FIRST). Furthermore, you get pretty much a full year to work on a fairly simple (but deceptively open and complex) project. It's very interesting comparing this competition to FIRST because even though it's less pressured, it seems much more realistic. This year's competition is to build a machine that automatically sorts various recyclable materials into plastic, aluminum, tin and glass. Problem is my team has very little money, almost no tools a resources, and no adult mentorship. They're literally building the team up from scratch. So yeah. It's not everybody's cup of tea, but I think I could help get the team built up to something much more impressive. But lately I've not really been too focused on it. I dunno... We'll have to see how things turn out. I've got time to work and if I' just keep working on it each week, something's bound to get done.

Head in the Dead

Heh. The title of today's post reminds me of a certain DnD flaw.

So seeing as I'm sick, tired, and... I'm trying to think of a really nasty description of my head right now, but I can't. My head is too whatever it is to figure out what to call whatever my head is. So yeah. Imagine I said something entirely convincing that my head is so very whatever it is that whatever my head is makes normal heads that are whatever my head is (which is to say heads that are whatever my head is, that are normally not whatever my head is, but are currently in a normal level of whatever my head is) look like whatever they normally look like and not whatever my head is.

So yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm caught up to whatever level of work I need to be caught up to. I'm just sick. Terribly sick. I'm so sick that I can't sleep, which is, as I'm sure you can understand, distressing. Also, thanks to Cole and Arras, I'm very tempted to start watching Helsing.

Seriously. Every time I exhale, I feel like my breath should be VISIBLE... and green.

What else... There were a BUNCH of things that I should have written down here, only I never did. Now they're lost to the ages. Sads.

Quickie before Calculus

So when my Biology 101 teacher was starting us out, she told her class that her goals were to teach us basic concepts that we could use. To that end, she would include a quick segment on some of the diseases and disorders associated with each part of the body. Translate this to "you WILL suffer from hypochondria by then end of class. Everything WILL hurt just slightly, and you will be jittery as hell and afraid of EVERYTHING."

Not to say it's a bad class, but it's kinda nerve wracking to see all those images of people opened up in various creative and bloody ways.

Quickie Before Bed

I've recently been told by my sister that I have entertaining status messages. I'd like to think this means I'm doing it right.

So earlier this evening, I was absolutely hysterical about my credit card and FAFSA and all that. This means my system is NOT complete. I've HAD a system for keeping track of my credit, debit and RDA (WSU foodmonies) accounts for AGES. I'd perfected it, then proceeded NOT to use it. No system is so infallible that it still works when the user DOESN'T use it. Sadly, I tried implimenting it earlier, and something was broken, so it looks like I need to take the metaphorical hammer to the programming AGAIN. Hopefully this time I'm going to actually USE it, so it'll stay proper.

I've decided to start reading Will Wheaton's blog, along with listening to Radio Free Burrito. When I think about him, I get that thing in my stomach that churns up when I feel like I'm missing out on something AMAZING, while everybody else is enjoying it and excelling because of it. I think that feeling is the main driving force behind all of my goals. The feeling makes me want to ignore him, and go back to blissful ignorance, which doesn't make any sense, because being ignorant of the situation is what caused the feeling in the first place. I feel I must explain. Listening to Will Wheaton is fun. I enjoy it, but it's a little depressing too. Growing up I always felt that I should have known more than I did. I should have put more effort into learning Visual Basic that one time in middle-school. I should have put more effort into learning skills ON MY OWN, but I didn't. I know TONS of people who learn things better when they're self taught, but I can't seem to pick ANYTHING up on my own. This constant feeling of inadequacy drives, or used to drive, a great deal of my life. I really can't cite much solitary learning, but since middle-school I've wanted to be more natural and friendly in groups. People who know me might agree that I've become extremely more extrovert since then, and this is evidenced by my plethora of friends, both in high school and now in college. All that was driven by that same nagging feeling of inadequacy I've had for as long as I can remember. Perhaps the thing I am most terrified of is the idea that somewhere something AMAZING is happening, and everybody knows about it but me. It could be anything from a free computer givaway, to a MAKER's club, and I'm bothered by that. Now, to the causal observer, all this might mean that I'm bothered by all this fun Will Wheatonism that I've missed out on, and to some extent that's true, but that's not the biggest problem. I listen to him, and in particular his latest podcast (ep. 22), and I hear about his life growing up with DnD and with geekery. He was in the THICK of it, and when he was just a little'n. Compared with me, I VOTED before I really got into DnD. Going further, he's grown into this amazing megalith of a geek maelstrom, thanks to a lifetime of amazing experiences. Listening to his podcasts, reading his blog, he's smart and funny and a good writer. Now the last thing I should do is compare his blog to mine, but like I said before, I just feel inadequate. I feel like I'm not moving fast enough.

I am told quite frequently by my friends and family that I am, if not amazing at VERY LEAST that I'm good. These are people I trust, and one of the most important lessons I've learned from scouting is that if you trust somebody and they give you a compliment, TRUST THEM. That said, I feel outclassed by then all. Cole's just an amazing person, what with acting and dress and just general personality. Lydia is a writer and a piano player, and although she'll probably contradict me at some points, she's got her head screwed on so straight she reminds me of my mother (an odd compliment, but she'll get). Loki's an amazing DM and I cannot even begin to describe how she's just an awesome PERSON, but I think she's underestimating herself (and maybe making a mistake) by going for a teaching career. Isaac is a super genius, everybody knows this. Griffin knows WAY more about computers than I do, and while that might not be much of a bar to surpass, he reminds me a great deal of Andy Kvalhiem, a geek I attribute much of my early development to. Ben is just amazing, and I honestly need to learn more from him. Braaaf is probably a better internerd an I am, and his humor and personality is something I'm envious of. Finally, Kyle is probably my closest friend, and I don't even have to mention Star Trek. I am incredibly envious of Kyle's history with Star Trek, in addition to his addiction to emulator games. I may have shown him POWDER, but he infected the rest. Then we get to me. I am known for e-comics. Now I assume that everybody else wouldn't consider their own talents as impressive as others (I might be wrong), but while e-comics are fun and nifty, they're not what I WANT to be good at. I think it was said best by Robin Williams in his interview in Inside the Actor's Studio, but (paraphrasing here) it's all about the joy of creation. I want to CREATE things, and not just ONE type of thing, I want to create EVERYTHING. I want to program text based RPGs, build walking robots that attack people randomly, 3-D touch screens (admittedly like those in Minority Report), RPG systems, music, stories, computer programs, and even my own comics. I have all these ideas, I assume everybody does, and if creation were as simple as coming up with an idea and working on it for a week the world would be FULL of ideas like this (Steve Jobs wouldn't be able to get away with making the iPod touch bigger and calling it "innovation"). The problem is it's not, but it's also not as hard as all that. First there's homework in the way. That just makes me want to goof off and waste time. I can't say whether or not I'd learn better if I could just do what I want, or learn what I want, but homework is homework, and all it takes is a hard working spirit to get through that. Then there's learning. With the internet, that's not that hard either, but it looks like jumping off the edge of a cliff. Again, it takes a hard working spirit to get through that as well. Then, Adam Savage tells us (in one column in the most recent MAKE magazine), there's the trial and error, and it just takes a hard working spirit to get through that. I don't have a hard working spirit. That's why I don't learn anything, and that's why I feel inadequate. I COULD do ALL these things, but I haven't had anything PUSHING me, and when all you've got to push you is yourself, a hard working spirit is VITAL.

I said it'd be quick, bt I guess I lied. This whole thing sounds like a weep-fest to me (which is what happens when you just write, and don't think things through before hand, but who wants to do that?), so let's put things in perspective. I've got a lot of friends and family who think a great deal of me, and encourage me and can teach me if I just ask. I've learned a good chunk on my own, and I've got more than a small number of personal projects that I'm actually making headway on. I'm also involved in ASME (which was the OTHER thing I meant to talk about here, but forgot) and if I can put in enough effort regularly, I can do so much with that it excites me. I've got a lot to be happy about and to look forward to. I just don't think it's ENOUGH, and that's what you should think about. That nagging feeling (the one I left behind some two very long paragraphs ago) may sometimes make me want to curl up and sleep every once in a while, but it DRIVES me. Recently I've been very happy with where I am, and that's good, but I WANT MORE. Thing is, and I hate to shift responsibility off myself, I get the feeling that if it hadn't been so hard to learn what I know I'd be happier, but I think that in the end it's always been up to me, and no one else.

Quick

I decided to draw this last Friday instead of work, and that's why today I'm working instead of sleeping. On the upside, K'thunk looks nifty.

So yeah, I'm still working on organization. It's a constant battle, which I guess is good because it means I can adapt to when I decide to defy my set pattern. For once it'd be nice if I actually HAD a pattern tho. I dunno.

DnD took up all of today, so Cole asked why I even planned on getting anything done today. But it was fun, and Krass woke up the sleeping dragon after the freaking BARBARIAN in FULL PLATE managed to sneak through. Still. It'll be nice to actually play in person next weekend.

I still really need to explain the ASME thing I'm a part of, because I did something NIFTY for that this weekend. I'm not going to explain the whole thing, but suffice it to say that I may have solved the hopper problem for our rig very elegantly. I'm attributing it to my roomie, who actually ENACTED what I had been thinking about, but the whole point is that I'm very excited to present that to the rest of the team this Monday. Problem is that later Saturday night, when I was demonstrating for Evan, I may have found a significant problem with the design. We'll see what happens.

Hopefully I'll explain fully in the next post.

Terrible News

Somehow I've managed to lose my first D20. I know that D20's don't really like me, but still. I was going to do a really long and detailed explanation of my ASME club here, but I really don't want to right now. Hopefully I can find my D20.

Dagnabbit

Originally, when describing the movie Legion, I described Jeep's character as a "retarded hick." I decided to change it to "stupid hick" because associating him with the mentally challenged is insulting to them. I must apologize to the hick community for associating him with them because I'm sure he is in no way representative. This is Hollywood after all.

So a couple of my friends and I went to see Legion this Saturday. We picked it because it looked like a bad action movie that we could laugh at, and it didn't disappoint in any way. I encourage everybody with a dark sense of humor to go see it. Here is the best review I can give:

The rich lady is going to get hysterical. The impetuous teen is going to repent. Just because there are two black men doesn't mean they can't kill off both because of some stupid white people The crotchety old man is going to get the last laugh. The pregnant woman is going to accept her baby and raise him to be the savior. Despite not doing jack shite, the stupid hick is going to get the girl because he's the "hero." Nobody gets a backstory except for the British guy who does all the spinny-kicks/punches/gun. Nobody kills anything except for the British guy who kills everything and comes back from the dead. Everybody dies regardless of character development, except for the pregnant woman and the stupid hick who don't develop in any way whatsoever.

Moving on, I've discovered that my system doesn't work if I don't do homework. The idea is to split things up so I'm doing a little bit each day, but this past week and weekend there've been days I've not done anything. This screws up my system because I need do a lot of work some days, which discourages me from doing work, which means I don't do any work, repeat ad. infinitum. Today I've decided that, in order to do ENOUGH work, I need to convince myself that I need to do too much work, in order to be pleasantly surprised later. I've gotten a good air of curmudgeon and distaste for the world going, that I feel is very promising for my work ethic. This falls in line with my theory that I do my best work when I'm over worked and absolutely disgusted at the world (case in point: Scouting Spreadsheet).

To wrap up, I forgot to blog this last Sunday, and then again on Monday. So this means that you SHOULD get more blogs this week than you would otherwise. I'm sure some of you will be happy about this.

Additional:
I'm meeting too many new people. So I leave for breakfast round about ten, and I meet this guy I know on the way there, he joins me. Now I call him "this guy" because I cannot remember his name. He and I talk for some time (maybe an hour) about journalism, and he tells me some things that I can really use. For one, my idyllic vision of myself as a journalist definitely isn't the way to go. But we talk for a while and while he can keep on going, I run out of things to say.

Later, we head back to the dorm, and split paths there, and I realize I meant to head to the library after breakfast, so I turn around. Then this guy compliments me on my hair. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him getting off a bus, and I don't think much of it. Then, when I'm about to walk up the stairs away from my dorm, he calls to me. Now, I have this nasty habit of turning around when people call to me, whether or not I really want to talk to them. This makes things awkward when people are asking for donations or whotnot (there was this one time in Japan that haunts my memories). But I turn, and find out what he wants. He compliments my hair. Says that he is impressed that I wear my hair long, like his, and at this he pulls his hair out from under his coat, and indeed he has long deadlocks. He's a black man, with a black rag tied tight over the top of his head, so tight it looks like he could be bald underneath, and he wears a puffy, orange and red jacket, over a white shirt with some printed pattern on it I can't recall. It looks like he normally keeps his hair tucked into the collar of this shirt. He smells strongly of peanuts, and talks and acts with a strong, friendly charisma, which is terrifying to a recluse like me, but I smile and thank him for his compliment. Then he goes on to tell me a Bible story, of Samson and Delilah. I'll not recount it here, but he also explains how his mother couldn't ever pay to have his hair cut, so she shaved him herself, and he couldn't have long hair until he earned his own money to pay to have his hair cut himself. Before we part, he tells me that the moral of the story is that I have beautiful hair. I thank him and head to the library.

I also have become part of a team here in Pullman working on an engineering competition. It's a lot like being back on Chief Sealth's robotics team, because everything is so loose and informal, and every part of product is subject to "ohh that seems expensive." The team doesn't have much money, so I'm drawing on my history and experience with Skunkworks to try and bring some benefit. I'd like to institute some greater organization for the team, because that could not only bring in more funding, but it could also produce a better design. They're ten weeks in and they only have a vague concept and a 3-d model of that vague concept. So I've asked for help from the robotics team, and I'm talking with Mr. Miller and Mr. Steele about things. That brings with it a pressure to perform, because I've not only sold my abilities to the WSU team, but I've also presented myself to Mr. Steele and Mr. Miller, and I feel like I would be letting them down if I didn't find some way to use their advice. It's going to be hard work, and another thing on my platter. I'm afraid of biting off more than I can chew.

On the way here, I think about how many people I know, and how I really feel outclassed by every one of them. I don't consider this a bad thing, they seem quite impressed with me (for what reason I cannot guess), so I figure that it's better to be humble and have a driving force than to be proud and stagnant. But all these people I know, every time I talk to them, I seem to feel pressed to present the best side of myself. I'm not really horribly concerned, and I figure that it'll either pass or I'll find a way to deal with it, but I thought you would like to know.