I've recently been told by my sister that I have entertaining status messages. I'd like to think this means I'm doing it right.
So earlier this evening, I was absolutely hysterical about my credit card and FAFSA and all that. This means my system is NOT complete. I've HAD a system for keeping track of my credit, debit and RDA (WSU foodmonies) accounts for AGES. I'd perfected it, then proceeded NOT to use it. No system is so infallible that it still works when the user DOESN'T use it. Sadly, I tried implimenting it earlier, and something was broken, so it looks like I need to take the metaphorical hammer to the programming AGAIN. Hopefully this time I'm going to actually USE it, so it'll stay proper.
I've decided to start reading Will Wheaton's blog, along with listening to Radio Free Burrito. When I think about him, I get that thing in my stomach that churns up when I feel like I'm missing out on something AMAZING, while everybody else is enjoying it and excelling because of it. I think that feeling is the main driving force behind all of my goals. The feeling makes me want to ignore him, and go back to blissful ignorance, which doesn't make any sense, because being ignorant of the situation is what caused the feeling in the first place. I feel I must explain. Listening to Will Wheaton is fun. I enjoy it, but it's a little depressing too. Growing up I always felt that I should have known more than I did. I should have put more effort into learning Visual Basic that one time in middle-school. I should have put more effort into learning skills ON MY OWN, but I didn't. I know TONS of people who learn things better when they're self taught, but I can't seem to pick ANYTHING up on my own. This constant feeling of inadequacy drives, or used to drive, a great deal of my life. I really can't cite much solitary learning, but since middle-school I've wanted to be more natural and friendly in groups. People who know me might agree that I've become extremely more extrovert since then, and this is evidenced by my plethora of friends, both in high school and now in college. All that was driven by that same nagging feeling of inadequacy I've had for as long as I can remember. Perhaps the thing I am most terrified of is the idea that somewhere something AMAZING is happening, and everybody knows about it but me. It could be anything from a free computer givaway, to a MAKER's club, and I'm bothered by that. Now, to the causal observer, all this might mean that I'm bothered by all this fun Will Wheatonism that I've missed out on, and to some extent that's true, but that's not the biggest problem. I listen to him, and in particular his latest podcast (ep. 22), and I hear about his life growing up with DnD and with geekery. He was in the THICK of it, and when he was just a little'n. Compared with me, I VOTED before I really got into DnD. Going further, he's grown into this amazing megalith of a geek maelstrom, thanks to a lifetime of amazing experiences. Listening to his podcasts, reading his blog, he's smart and funny and a good writer. Now the last thing I should do is compare his blog to mine, but like I said before, I just feel inadequate. I feel like I'm not moving fast enough.
I am told quite frequently by my friends and family that I am, if not amazing at VERY LEAST that I'm good. These are people I trust, and one of the most important lessons I've learned from scouting is that if you trust somebody and they give you a compliment, TRUST THEM. That said, I feel outclassed by then all. Cole's just an amazing person, what with acting and dress and just general personality. Lydia is a writer and a piano player, and although she'll probably contradict me at some points, she's got her head screwed on so straight she reminds me of my mother (an odd compliment, but she'll get). Loki's an amazing DM and I cannot even begin to describe how she's just an awesome PERSON, but I think she's underestimating herself (and maybe making a mistake) by going for a teaching career. Isaac is a super genius, everybody knows this. Griffin knows WAY more about computers than I do, and while that might not be much of a bar to surpass, he reminds me a great deal of Andy Kvalhiem, a geek I attribute much of my early development to. Ben is just amazing, and I honestly need to learn more from him. Braaaf is probably a better internerd an I am, and his humor and personality is something I'm envious of. Finally, Kyle is probably my closest friend, and I don't even have to mention Star Trek. I am incredibly envious of Kyle's history with Star Trek, in addition to his addiction to emulator games. I may have shown him POWDER, but he infected the rest. Then we get to me. I am known for e-comics. Now I assume that everybody else wouldn't consider their own talents as impressive as others (I might be wrong), but while e-comics are fun and nifty, they're not what I WANT to be good at. I think it was said best by Robin Williams in his interview in Inside the Actor's Studio, but (paraphrasing here) it's all about the joy of creation. I want to CREATE things, and not just ONE type of thing, I want to create EVERYTHING. I want to program text based RPGs, build walking robots that attack people randomly, 3-D touch screens (admittedly like those in Minority Report), RPG systems, music, stories, computer programs, and even my own comics. I have all these ideas, I assume everybody does, and if creation were as simple as coming up with an idea and working on it for a week the world would be FULL of ideas like this (Steve Jobs wouldn't be able to get away with making the iPod touch bigger and calling it "innovation"). The problem is it's not, but it's also not as hard as all that. First there's homework in the way. That just makes me want to goof off and waste time. I can't say whether or not I'd learn better if I could just do what I want, or learn what I want, but homework is homework, and all it takes is a hard working spirit to get through that. Then there's learning. With the internet, that's not that hard either, but it looks like jumping off the edge of a cliff. Again, it takes a hard working spirit to get through that as well. Then, Adam Savage tells us (in one column in the most recent MAKE magazine), there's the trial and error, and it just takes a hard working spirit to get through that. I don't have a hard working spirit. That's why I don't learn anything, and that's why I feel inadequate. I COULD do ALL these things, but I haven't had anything PUSHING me, and when all you've got to push you is yourself, a hard working spirit is VITAL.
I said it'd be quick, bt I guess I lied. This whole thing sounds like a weep-fest to me (which is what happens when you just write, and don't think things through before hand, but who wants to do that?), so let's put things in perspective. I've got a lot of friends and family who think a great deal of me, and encourage me and can teach me if I just ask. I've learned a good chunk on my own, and I've got more than a small number of personal projects that I'm actually making headway on. I'm also involved in ASME (which was the OTHER thing I meant to talk about here, but forgot) and if I can put in enough effort regularly, I can do so much with that it excites me. I've got a lot to be happy about and to look forward to. I just don't think it's ENOUGH, and that's what you should think about. That nagging feeling (the one I left behind some two very long paragraphs ago) may sometimes make me want to curl up and sleep every once in a while, but it DRIVES me. Recently I've been very happy with where I am, and that's good, but I WANT MORE. Thing is, and I hate to shift responsibility off myself, I get the feeling that if it hadn't been so hard to learn what I know I'd be happier, but I think that in the end it's always been up to me, and no one else.
So earlier this evening, I was absolutely hysterical about my credit card and FAFSA and all that. This means my system is NOT complete. I've HAD a system for keeping track of my credit, debit and RDA (WSU foodmonies) accounts for AGES. I'd perfected it, then proceeded NOT to use it. No system is so infallible that it still works when the user DOESN'T use it. Sadly, I tried implimenting it earlier, and something was broken, so it looks like I need to take the metaphorical hammer to the programming AGAIN. Hopefully this time I'm going to actually USE it, so it'll stay proper.
I've decided to start reading Will Wheaton's blog, along with listening to Radio Free Burrito. When I think about him, I get that thing in my stomach that churns up when I feel like I'm missing out on something AMAZING, while everybody else is enjoying it and excelling because of it. I think that feeling is the main driving force behind all of my goals. The feeling makes me want to ignore him, and go back to blissful ignorance, which doesn't make any sense, because being ignorant of the situation is what caused the feeling in the first place. I feel I must explain. Listening to Will Wheaton is fun. I enjoy it, but it's a little depressing too. Growing up I always felt that I should have known more than I did. I should have put more effort into learning Visual Basic that one time in middle-school. I should have put more effort into learning skills ON MY OWN, but I didn't. I know TONS of people who learn things better when they're self taught, but I can't seem to pick ANYTHING up on my own. This constant feeling of inadequacy drives, or used to drive, a great deal of my life. I really can't cite much solitary learning, but since middle-school I've wanted to be more natural and friendly in groups. People who know me might agree that I've become extremely more extrovert since then, and this is evidenced by my plethora of friends, both in high school and now in college. All that was driven by that same nagging feeling of inadequacy I've had for as long as I can remember. Perhaps the thing I am most terrified of is the idea that somewhere something AMAZING is happening, and everybody knows about it but me. It could be anything from a free computer givaway, to a MAKER's club, and I'm bothered by that. Now, to the causal observer, all this might mean that I'm bothered by all this fun Will Wheatonism that I've missed out on, and to some extent that's true, but that's not the biggest problem. I listen to him, and in particular his latest podcast (ep. 22), and I hear about his life growing up with DnD and with geekery. He was in the THICK of it, and when he was just a little'n. Compared with me, I VOTED before I really got into DnD. Going further, he's grown into this amazing megalith of a geek maelstrom, thanks to a lifetime of amazing experiences. Listening to his podcasts, reading his blog, he's smart and funny and a good writer. Now the last thing I should do is compare his blog to mine, but like I said before, I just feel inadequate. I feel like I'm not moving fast enough.
I am told quite frequently by my friends and family that I am, if not amazing at VERY LEAST that I'm good. These are people I trust, and one of the most important lessons I've learned from scouting is that if you trust somebody and they give you a compliment, TRUST THEM. That said, I feel outclassed by then all. Cole's just an amazing person, what with acting and dress and just general personality. Lydia is a writer and a piano player, and although she'll probably contradict me at some points, she's got her head screwed on so straight she reminds me of my mother (an odd compliment, but she'll get). Loki's an amazing DM and I cannot even begin to describe how she's just an awesome PERSON, but I think she's underestimating herself (and maybe making a mistake) by going for a teaching career. Isaac is a super genius, everybody knows this. Griffin knows WAY more about computers than I do, and while that might not be much of a bar to surpass, he reminds me a great deal of Andy Kvalhiem, a geek I attribute much of my early development to. Ben is just amazing, and I honestly need to learn more from him. Braaaf is probably a better internerd an I am, and his humor and personality is something I'm envious of. Finally, Kyle is probably my closest friend, and I don't even have to mention Star Trek. I am incredibly envious of Kyle's history with Star Trek, in addition to his addiction to emulator games. I may have shown him POWDER, but he infected the rest. Then we get to me. I am known for e-comics. Now I assume that everybody else wouldn't consider their own talents as impressive as others (I might be wrong), but while e-comics are fun and nifty, they're not what I WANT to be good at. I think it was said best by Robin Williams in his interview in Inside the Actor's Studio, but (paraphrasing here) it's all about the joy of creation. I want to CREATE things, and not just ONE type of thing, I want to create EVERYTHING. I want to program text based RPGs, build walking robots that attack people randomly, 3-D touch screens (admittedly like those in Minority Report), RPG systems, music, stories, computer programs, and even my own comics. I have all these ideas, I assume everybody does, and if creation were as simple as coming up with an idea and working on it for a week the world would be FULL of ideas like this (Steve Jobs wouldn't be able to get away with making the iPod touch bigger and calling it "innovation"). The problem is it's not, but it's also not as hard as all that. First there's homework in the way. That just makes me want to goof off and waste time. I can't say whether or not I'd learn better if I could just do what I want, or learn what I want, but homework is homework, and all it takes is a hard working spirit to get through that. Then there's learning. With the internet, that's not that hard either, but it looks like jumping off the edge of a cliff. Again, it takes a hard working spirit to get through that as well. Then, Adam Savage tells us (in one column in the most recent MAKE magazine), there's the trial and error, and it just takes a hard working spirit to get through that. I don't have a hard working spirit. That's why I don't learn anything, and that's why I feel inadequate. I COULD do ALL these things, but I haven't had anything PUSHING me, and when all you've got to push you is yourself, a hard working spirit is VITAL.
I said it'd be quick, bt I guess I lied. This whole thing sounds like a weep-fest to me (which is what happens when you just write, and don't think things through before hand, but who wants to do that?), so let's put things in perspective. I've got a lot of friends and family who think a great deal of me, and encourage me and can teach me if I just ask. I've learned a good chunk on my own, and I've got more than a small number of personal projects that I'm actually making headway on. I'm also involved in ASME (which was the OTHER thing I meant to talk about here, but forgot) and if I can put in enough effort regularly, I can do so much with that it excites me. I've got a lot to be happy about and to look forward to. I just don't think it's ENOUGH, and that's what you should think about. That nagging feeling (the one I left behind some two very long paragraphs ago) may sometimes make me want to curl up and sleep every once in a while, but it DRIVES me. Recently I've been very happy with where I am, and that's good, but I WANT MORE. Thing is, and I hate to shift responsibility off myself, I get the feeling that if it hadn't been so hard to learn what I know I'd be happier, but I think that in the end it's always been up to me, and no one else.
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